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The Myth of Sissy Fist

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Saturday, January 12th, 2013
6:22 pm - when it's time to dance
best to dance to this ...

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Wednesday, January 27th, 2010
1:51 am
Something I recorded last night.



The end of winter... Just around the corner.

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Friday, January 22nd, 2010
2:35 pm - Twenty-Ten in Review (so far)
Tempted to call this "tweens in review", but that just doesn't sound right.

So far Apple Slices with Peanut Butter wins for snack of the decade. My mom suggested them to me on the phone,(first mom call of the decade) and I was like,'That just makes sense.' I've tried them; with the skin, without the skin, thin slices, thick slices, and with varying degrees of peanut butter. One of the great things about having apple slices is that all these variations lead to differences of crispness, texture, and serving size. GO APPLES AND PEANUT BUTTER!

So far, Hanging Out With Friends and Working On Artwork wins for activity of the decade. This was a tough decision. Close runners up were; reading Italo Calvino's Invisible Cities in bed, playing pinball, and the always popular drinking until I embarass myself and pass out. Hanging out with friends and working on artwork, like apples and peanut butter, is very versatile. The extrapolations of this activity are testament to it's longevity. Plus, this activity gives you the satisfaction of artifacts to remember the time that was spent. NOT SO FOR THE OTHER CONTESTANTS!

This year, hanging out with friends and making artwork has been focused mostly on making music, but I've also started work on cutting stencils and doing prints for wheat pasting.

So far, in the category of incredible random events, FINDING LONG LOST COLLEGE MATE WHO IS NOW A STREET MISSIONARY takes the win. On New Years Eve while walking home I run into a old college friend who had dropped out and went missing. He approaches me and as we talk I realize that he is now a homeless street missionary and while catching up with me, also has a vested interest in talking to me about the life of Jesus and the well being of my soul. He wasn't pushy and it was really awesome to see him. I'd been binging through the holidays and was coming down hard, and I really felt like running into him was fate. A new year, a new decade, a new beginning. Even if I wasn't going to buy the christian/ jesus thing, at least being around him I could get back in touch with the virtues of having little and giving what little you have to others and the clear mindedness that comes with living close to the world and in constant inventory of your worldly and other-worldy possessions. I asked him if he had any place to stay and when he didn't, I invited him back to my pad. I had to run and do some other things, but I knew him well, and could tell that he was still trustworthy, so I showed him how to play music on my laptop and left for a few hours.

When I came back later that evening he was already asleep. I went to bed dreaming of this new life, where I palled around with Jesus Buddy and he helped my soul while I worked out my place in the universe. I dreamed of us hanging out and me asking him about problems in my life and him telling me where in the bible they talk about that problem and the parables that go along with it. I went to sleep feeling like I had been handed this event to help with my spiritual development.

Unfortunately, by the time I woke up he was gone. I haven't seen him since. Random.

Well, the 10s have started off with a few ups and down already, but I hope to keep my forward momentum, and I'll continue taking note and giving thanks for the positive experiences I encounter.

GO TWENTY-TEN!

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2:40 am


"Bostich" from the Yello album "Solid Pleasure" 1980.

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Saturday, December 12th, 2009
3:33 pm - test
3098323893_af32bd9b9a

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Saturday, November 7th, 2009
7:01 pm - to forever forever ago
this bliss is slipping. this bliss what bliss. i had an idea and then i get distracted and it gets fragmented and here i am rambling again. always with the rambling. and the cliche and the cliche and the cliche and this searching for the meaning in the things that i've already forgotten.

she said it was easy to write things that pleased me, and it's been 5 years since we've talked face to face and there's all these little connections with people i hardly know but can identify and it's stifling this blending in and out of people's lives and this trying to find something concrete to wrap your life around and not submitting to desire.

i made the choice to edit and i've made the choice to not edit and i can't run away from the feeling that these choices are arbitrary. that this living is arbitrary. that what you're reading is arbitrary. it's a style and a system to keep you waiting for something that is unidentifiable.

and this is what i feel i've been this whole time.

but at least i was really that.

i never lied.

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Friday, September 11th, 2009
7:26 pm - last days of summer


from my trip to the oregon coast. big kites.




KALAMA!



boost van boosterson

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Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009
2:56 am - hiatus
so i'm pretty much a different person these days.. i mean, i'm the same person, but my actions and behaviors are so different then when i was on here. I'm starting a business right now. i have all these music projects going right now. i'm riding bliss like there's a tomorrow and I'm solving problems in a way that makes me feel like i'm doing the right thing... all the time.

i feel like i'm reaching that stage where i get to be the person that I knew i could be but felt cut off from. potential has stopped being potential and become a tangible force.


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Saturday, July 25th, 2009
5:32 pm
so i had to fire someone today. it was hard but it needed to be done. my life is moving at a million miles a minute right now. i am now 27 and every day is important. i am finding my will.

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Monday, July 13th, 2009
12:46 pm
remote self-control

these years

past lives.

the most of now

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Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
8:30 am
the precipice.
wind shadow over
plans and discoveries.

always this uncertainty.

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Friday, February 20th, 2009
5:49 pm - the years go by
8 years on livejournal. i am perpetually 17.




after playing this song i proceeded to burn down portland.

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Saturday, June 21st, 2008
6:57 am
i have a new home. i don't want to mess it up and end up in a place that i don't understand.. so i haven't been moving any of my old things in. this is the second night of me sleeping on the floor with a small, thin blanket. across the street from me are the 2 towers of the sheraton hotel. i like to lay in my window and watch the tourists move about their rented rooms. i have stone cornices and under my feet is a theatre and the eagles Aerial #1.

i live in a city now.

it is cold and i like it that way.

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Wednesday, June 11th, 2008
2:27 pm - 4 years
it's been 4 years since i moved to seattle. i've lived in 3 different apartments. i've had 4 girlfriends. i've worked 7 jobs. i've made the most money i've made in my life and i've made the least amount of money i've made in my life. i've been to the hospital once.

after all that i feel exactly in the same place as when i first moved here.

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Monday, November 19th, 2007
8:47 pm - the fall
so i'm working on music at 3am after my shift and i get a call from my mother. my brother got married earlier in the day and didn't tell anyone in the family. my mother is heart-broken. on top of that his new wife is pregnant, maybe with his baby, maybe not. he is following directly in the steps of his dad, my step-dad, who married my mother after getting her pregnant and after i was 3 years old. my brother is doing the same thing.

i head down to longview and have dinner with the family and meet my brother's new wife. everything goes fine, and aside from my brother's condescension towards my mother, the night is pretty pleasant.

this morning i am heading down to portland to see my brother off to texas. i have a chat with him about the importance of family and try to explain my mother's position. he understands what i say, but he already has this idea of following in his father's steps, including looking down on my mother and her family.

i see him and his new wife off and head into town. i meet zq and we head to his house where i share the music i've been working on.

i get a call from my ultimate dance partner. she's worried that i got shot the previous night at my job at the bar. evidently 2 or 3 people have been shot in a scuffle over something. the shooter got away, and my job is being shut down.

it takes a few hours before it sets in that i am out of a job, with no notice, 2 weeks before rent is due, and i'm broke.

it's been an interesting few days.

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Sunday, October 21st, 2007
9:49 am - planes
i'm in my room in San Fransisco right now. The room is just large enough to fit the bed and a sink. I have a fan and a window that opens up to a brick wall. I made my way from work, to my house, to the airport, to the monorail (BART) to my hotel without asking for directions and with never having seen SF before. I recorded the sound of the monorail as it passes underground. it's like being inside a jet engine. Today will be a day of adventures.

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Sunday, October 14th, 2007
7:20 pm
so yesterday was pizza and beer and season 1 of nip/tuck. i brought a banana to work and had that instead of my usual routine of heading to pita pit at 2:30 in the morning. i was up yesterday from 9am to 3am and ended up sleeping until 5:45 pm. i've been doing a weird sleep schedule where i sleep for around 4 hours one day and then sleep for 12 hours the next day. this changes a bit in case i wake up early and feel like walking around, but i seem to have more energy using this schedule, and on my 4 hour days i get a lot done.
i've been keeping a tape recorder next to my bed at night and if i have trouble sleeping i'll start humming and singing songs to myself and recording them, or if i wake up in the middle of the night i'll record my dreams into it.
i've only really been having contact with people at work, and i've cut back my hours to around 25 a week back from 40. i lose about $100 a week for those extra 15 hours and that seems just fine.

since i've not been going out and i've been making meals at home i've been able to save $1500 in the last 2 months. that's with them raising my rent $50 a month. i'm now paying $750/month for a one bedroom apartment on the ground floor. it's a sad state of affairs when that is considered a cheap apartment on capitol hill.

the mundane in the domestic.

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Saturday, October 13th, 2007
3:49 pm
so i figure if i'm going to be lonely all the time i should probably make my house some place i like to hang out.

i went grocery shopping yesterday and after taking into consideration traveling i bought mostly non-perishables. i took my haul home and made a dinner of romaine salad, rosemary potato wedges, and chef bouardi ravioli. maybe not the most gourmet but i'm trying to eat at home instead of eating out every day. easy is best for now. i can work on my cullinary skills later. it's hard to make a big deal about just cooking for myself.

today was special k red berries for breakfast a banana for a snack and then chili for lunch.

i woke at 9am after only 3 hours of sleep but i couldn't get back to sleep. just as i was starting to slip back the neighbors upstairs woke up and started gibbering back and forth. i couldn't get mad though, they were laughing and showering and stuff and sounded about the happiest couple i've ever heard at 10am. what sealed the deal of me not making it back to sleep was when i heard them going at it shortly after 10:30. it's been a long time since i've been in a relationship that got giddy at 10am.

got out of bed and started working on some laundry. watched a version of anna karinina written by jean anouilh. the movie had been sitting around my place for a few months, if i would have seen that he had written it i would have watched it long ago. in college i read a book of his plays including his version of antigone. he is one of the few male authors or playwrites i've read that can write strong female leads.

needless to say, anna karinina is not the most uplifting way to start your day, so i threw in Boys staring winona ryder and that was a bit more lite-hearted. it says something about the difference between the 90s and the 00s when winona ryder plays a 25 yr old who ends up sleeping with a high school boy and that aspect has nothing to do with the arc of the story or social commentary. it was taken as a matter of course in the 90s that 20 year olds and high schoolers slept together. there is also another scene where the high schooler is drinking at the fair and the cop who finds him lets him go without so much as a warning.

this was less than 15 years ago. what kind of fundamentalist society have we become?

anyway, roaming the streets now looking for books and movies to stock my apartment with for the winter. my guess is the neighbors are going to be waking me up early for a while.

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Thursday, September 13th, 2007
9:19 pm - back to the future
so i'm sitting in my bar watching back to the future... alone...

i'm getting a bit teary eyed and weepy at the idea of a kid going back in time to help out his parents get together for their first night.

there is this big part of me that wishes i could go back and help my parents through their rough times. help my dad to fill out his tax paperwork so that he wouldn't end up owing the IRS $100K+. or to help my mother when she had her mental meltdown when my step-dad left for korea for two years.

i try to send money home when i can, but i still want to be by their sides and help them through their tough times now. i used to hate going home to longview, but now i want to be there every second i can. spending time with my grandma and my grandpa and my mom and helping where i can.

my grandmother always asks me to help with the cooking when i'm down. i'm pretty sure she thinks i'm gay, but she would never say anything. i'm sure they gave up trying to categorize me years ago, and that's the way my family has always been. accepting.

every year we have an ornament exchange on christmas eve and every year we allow anyone and everyone to come. we all bring dishes and we all bring gifts and extras in case someone doesn't have one. there is a fair amount of family gossiping that goes on, but there is also this overwhelming feeling of togetherness and kindness.

my mother is just starting to reach the stage where she knows what she wants to do with her life. she had me when she was 17 and a big part of her stopped developing at that age. she is just now doing stuff like going to rock shows and hanging out with friends. she is the oldest teenager i've ever met, and not in a bad way.

she doesn't drink much now, but she has an appreciation for music that was never there when i was growing up (albeit she likes bands like stained and crap that i would never listen to) she is heading back to school to get her nursing degree and she has been dealing with the health issues that have plagued her over the years.
my grandparents have helped her through all of this and i only wish that i could be as loving and giving as they are.

as for my dad, he's resolved himself that he will never overcome his debt to the IRS. Secretly i've been planning a way for him to work for me and for he and i to develop a company together. i figure in 5 or so years he'll be able to pay off his debt to the IRS and go on with his life.

there is something so universal about wanting to help and continue where our parents left off.

but then again, my dad isn't crispin glover and my mom isn't lea thompson. and i'm definitely not m.j.fox. although i wish i was teenwolf.

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Sunday, September 9th, 2007
8:05 pm - sewing circles
are not only based in trades of cloth...

so the rumor mill and the gossip factory have been entering my life lately. for the most part i have been removed from gossip minded individuals, but dostoevsky and proust both knew that this is never fully possible.

i will refrain from going on about the sad state of those who have nothing better to do then pass the time trashing the lives of those they call friends and acquaintances, or worse speculating on the lives of those they do not know.

you will find, however that i won't be offering up those boring details of my life here.

i will be washing my dishes.
i will be doing my laundry.
i will be in the shower.
i will be cleaning my house.

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